Sunday, 4 March 2012

My Favourite Biscuits by Lord Alfreton Hurg

As the fifth most famous lord in wales, I often enjoy biscuits and other things, like molestation and pygmies. I have often eaten biscuits in my dressing room and tried to decide what my favourite biscuits are. I have decided to tell the world.

Top Biscuits:

1. Lucas Curm's Gingerbread Sasquatch
My friend Lucas makes these biscuits for me, individually. They are only made when he has recently seen sasquatch and when he has sufficient ginger. So, I get one everyday.

2. Oatmeal Square
I make these myself, I get a lot of oatmeal and push it together in a square shape. Then, I bake it for fifteen minutes, at 170 degrees. Then eat them straight from the oven, preferably with a glass of Merlot.

3. Custard Harveys Bristol Cream
 A classic, I know, but with a twist. What I do, is buy a whole packet of custard creams (most basic supermarket varieties will do). Then, I crush them (in a bag, with a hammer). Following this, I add a whole bottle of Harveys Bristol Cream to the bag and shake it all up. Tip the mixture into a large dish and put in the freezer for 2 hours. Take from freezer and break off amounts as desired.

Thanks for reading, I'm off to weld my chairs together. (superchair)

Miranda and Brian.

"Oh, Brian".
"Oh, Miranda"
"Brian, you really should stop doing that thing with the bread"
"Miranda, I thought you loved it?"
"I don't, I really wish you'd stop"
"Well, okay. I'm not sure there is much left for us to do then"
"Leave me then"
"Miranda, I didn't mean it that way. Its just I am a man. I have needs, and I thought you did too"
"Leave me then"
"Fine, fuck you. I thought I was doing the right thing, how the fuck am I supposed to know what ducks eat"

Saturday, 3 March 2012

western medicine

Formed in 1994, 'Western Medicine' were arguably the worlds first pure rap-rock group. Others, such as Anthrax, Aerosmith are credited with its invention. Even though bands like Faith No More and the Beastie Boys were probably the first direct interpretations of the genre, however none of them had the intensity of 'Western Medicine'. Claims could be made that they were the real inspiration for the Nu-Metal movement. The three piece group from Birmingham were made up of: Ian Coombes (Guitar & Vocals), Stephen Pestworth (Keyboards) and Jeff Bridges (Drums) (Also, no relation to famous Jeff Bridges).

Spending much of 1994 in a garage in the suburb they grew up in, the band developed a sound influenced by the early days of rap and classic rock. Their one intention to be the perfect mix between Free and Bone Thugs and Harmony.

The music that formed the most of their recorded output (1 demo cassette) was close to their Free plus BTNH template, with clear indications they should be the next big thing in music. Fred Durst, front man of Nu Metal titans limpbizkit is said to be a huge fan.
Rumours indicate Mike Patton of Faith No More is also supposedly an owner of the demo, of which there are only eight in existence.

Details of Demo by 'Western Medicine'

Artist: Western Medicine
Title: Straight up Buttfuck Dragons

1. Insight into Homunculus
2. Steve West Intro - Regret Nothing, Big Money Gristle
3. Powers of the Gravitron
4. Hate Inc.

Lyrically, they spent much of their time dwelling on subjects such as mythical creatures, basic science and extreme right wing politics.

Unfortunately, due to internal politics the group split in June 1996, missing the nu metal boom, by about three years. Following 'Western Medicine' Ian Coombes finished his university degree and moved to Devon, where he has become a secondary school teacher. Stephen Pestworth is still in the music industry founding the soul/blues outfit 'Heat', whilst Jeff Bridges has been made bankrupt following a legal dispute with the local supermarket he worked at.


Pete thrust himself into the coffee shop, dynamically.
The people in the shop were aware of his presence.
A woman called Christine swooned.
Her cardigan caught on the edge of her chair, and ripped.
Pete thrust forward.
His body, a shark.
The coffee shop, his ocean.
He ordered and rapped his fingers on the counter.
His 3 day stubble, showing a masculine side to his delicate features.
Michael (The Barista), passed Pete his Coffee.
Pete lunged forward and collected it.
He turned to leave the shop, all eyes were on Pete.
A man in his fifties held the door open for him.
Pete thanked him and disappeared into the cold morning.

bubblegum piano

i try to do something completely new.
last week,
i tried to create an envelope out of bacon.
this week.
completely different.
bubblegum piano.
main bit of piano, all the casing etc. still wood.
keys. bubblegum.
its okay.
i so don't think it was worth destroying this piano for though.
the songs i can play, now don't work.
the bubblegum is all sticky and pliable.
it doesn't lend itself to instrumentation.


Curtis was a big sheepdog,
He roamed about,
protecting and guiding
Sheep, but there was,
something he was hiding
Hobo teeth. In his tummy.
Curtis loved sheep,
but loved eating hobos more.
He didn't tell anyone.
He kept it secret, that way
The other sheepdogs
(Ben, sherman and christoph)
Wouldn't copy him,
Because they often were hungry,
And hobos were freely available
For consumption